Lawrence Exclusive: Interview with Ben Carson
Features / / January 08, 2016
A student who wishes to remain unnamed recently had the opportunity to interview our esteemed candidate Ben Carson (esteemed when placed next to his competitor Donald Trump, at least) on the topic of his loss of two top campaign aides. While the interview was short - we began to worry that perhaps he was getting exhausted, but to be honest, he didn’t seem any more or less out of it than he had been at the start - his comments in the transcript that follows will hopefully be educational and informative to the general Lawrenceville public.
[Note: For the sake of clarity, IN denotes the interviewer and BC denotes Ben Carson.]
IN: So how are you feeling about your campaign now that you’ve lost two of your top aides? Worried, not worried, sort of worried… kind…of worried…
BC: [mumbled] I’m not wearing a bra.
IN: I’m sorry?
BC: I said, I’m not worried at all.
IN: Well, that makes more sense.
BC: Of course. Why would I be worried?
IN: No, not - never mind. So why aren’t you worried?
BC: Because I do believe that when it comes down to whether I or another candidate is the better choice for president, I am absolutely confident that the American people will make the right choice and elect me.
IN: Well, I suppose everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Do you think that the departure of your aides may have something to do with some of the - and I apologize for being blunt - frankly idiotic comments you’ve made?
BC: I’m afraid I don’t know what you may be referring to.
IN: For example, some people were, ah, let’s say amused, over your claim that the Big Bang is a fairy tale, despite heaps of evidence to prove otherwise.
BC: Well, as I’ve told people before, I’m not going to criticize you for your faith in such an idea, but I personally do not have enough faith to believe in such an idea.
IN: Mr. Carson, uh, science isn’t really something you just sort of have faith in.
BC: So you’re telling me that if I blow a hurricane through a junkyard -
IN: Yeah, the whole “eventually a 747 will come out” thing; we know this. But I’m not entirely sure you understand exactly how the junkyard tornado theory works, especially since, you know, it’s not a hurricane, it’s a tornado.
BC: I don’t need to know exactly how it works; it’s common sense.
IN: Um, the junkyard tornado theory also applies to biology, not space.
IN: Yeah, okay, let’s move on. Perhaps they were displeased with the fact that you admitted to having tried to stab someone with a knife with the intent to kill?
BC: Oh, yes, that. That was my formative moment.
IN: People are questioning if there is truth to your claims, however, considering no victim has come forward.
BC: Those people merely need to maintain faith. I have no reason to lie about a moment that so drastically changed my life around. That knife breaking on his belt buckle was like a sign.
IN: Well, uh, you realize attempted murder is kind of a crime, right?
BC: [mumbles something incoherent. It is at this point that we start to wrap up the interview out of fear that he would start napping right then and there.]
IN: Alright, let’s wrap this up. Why do you believe your aides left.
BC: Simple. It was…[For the sake of brevity, we will omit the extremely long response that followed. The following statement is merely a summary of his response.] Satan.
IN: …I’m sorry?
BC: I am of the opinion that it was the Adversary who lured those two into the path of sin, but I can and will forgive them for that.
IN: And, uh, why are you of the opinion that it was Beelzebub who did this?
BC: Well, if he is capable of tricking millions of poor misled innocents into believing that the heretic Darwin’s theory of evolution is true and considering I am one of the few who try to let the truth be known, I don’t believe that it’s so far-fetched that he would try to sabotage me.
IN: Yeah, you know what, I’m out.
[Movement. Someone calls faintly in the background.]
JS: Wait, come back! We need another article for this week, so you have to finish!
IN: [faintly] Figure something out! I’m not talking to this [incoherent] of an [incoherent] any -
[Recording abruptly ends.]
Ah, raging liberals. Gotta love them.