Life After Loss: House Olympics

Features  /  by Alex Small '18  /  September 09, 2016

Although House Olympics is filled with spirit and hope, only one House can be victorious. The rest are losers. Here’s how different Houses have taken their different-sized L’s.

Griswold—Griswold seems to have taken their last place finish in stride: Well, their normal stumble trip routine that is. Nobody has been able to reach the phones of many Grisraelis. Must be poor connection.

Cleve—Although House Olympics were nearly a week ago, the wheels in the minds of Clevies are now just coming around to the sad fact that, once again, they leave the opening week with no trophies. Furthermore, pandamonium broke out Thursday when one student realized that Griswold’s chant was indeed misleading. Yiannis was in Cleve, right?

Dickinson—Dickinson has taken the loss pretty poorly. Despite really trying to take home the crown, they have been forced to take the silver (make-believe) prize. Inside the House, trophyless fingers idly tie together all of the flags Dickinson brought to House Ilympics. Even Betsy Ross has commented, “Wow, now that’s extra.”

Woodhull—Unable to repeat, Woodhull didn’t even place in the top three this year. And things have gotten weird alright. Despite actually putting in effort to try and retain the victor’s trophy, Woodhull seems to have completely forgotten how to win. They must have taken a page from Griswold’s book.

Kennedy—Kennedy’s fine. They are pretty used to taking losses by now. Sucks being Hamill’s rival. Where’s the crutch again?

McClellan—After swallowing the eighth place pill, McClellan has gone to the dogs. The saying when stuff hits the ceiling fan certainly applies here. Or as McClellan likes to say, when watermelon hits the kitchen floor. The linings of McHouse are covered in hay and broken glass, and the inside is littered with hanging Kermits and the lost dream of breaking McClellan’s decade long losing streak. Along with crushed spirits lie ugly pineapples, which have made their way off of the flag and shorts of the McGals and into every new sophomore’s nightmare.

Stanley—Having used every last ounce of makeup, the members of the Stanley house have been reduced to exposing their true faces. Shudder. In fact, when all of the girls in Stanley tried to board a plane to leave following their tragic defeat, the bags under their eyes were stopped by TSA. Must be tiring always coming behind Stephens.

Stephens—Despite still winning one award, Stephens girls appear the most defeated. Not only did they fail to win House Olympics, but they also have no Chivers. And no spirit award? All of that high pitched cackling in the past 12 months, it seems, has been for nought. To make sure that there is no repeat performance, Stephens has hired private tutors and set up structured study and sabotage hours. They have also enlisted the help of nutritionist Jennifer Mayr to help with training, as well as having mandatory ‘Shid days. So far, they have already been in more times than the cross country team has. All of the girls have also enlisted in crew, and steroids have not been ruled out of the question.

Carter—No one has heard from the girls in Carter following convocation. Word has it that they have been sitting around drinking from the Chiver’s cup, reciting their saga of a House chant. Rumor is that if you manage to lean in close enough, you can even here some girls repeatedly murmuring “best in the Crescent” while rocking back and forth with a gazed look in their eyes.

Kirby—Wait, Kirby competed?